FOMO – what’s missing?
As I’ve been doing for my last few meditations, I’m taking things that I’ve read or concepts I’ve learned that have made a difference in building my “recovery” foundation … and it’s actually more LIFE foundation …
The single most important part of my recovery has been changing a deprivation mindset and CANT or DONT NOT doing something I shouldn’t, to running TOWARDS all the good things, wanting to treat my body right, living well
A little about my background.
How I got here
I have had a complicated relationship with alcohol for a very long time, but especially
But it wasn’t until I had my first indication of physical dependence to alcohol almost 4 years ago that I knew it was a different ballgame. I remember because I texted my friend, who was also struggling with alcohol. We had a lot of conversations about wanting to moderate or quit, but that day my body NEEDED a drink because I was having withdrawal symptoms, and it was scary.
The following 3 years were a roller coaster of sobriety and relapses until I ended up at a pretty significant bottom in June 2022 and ended up in rehab for three weeks in Spokane.
I consider myself a fairly intelligent and self-aware person, so I was amazed to actually learn about addiction and also other recovery programs, including Recovery Dharma and this specific Sangha. I was actually kind of pissed off that I hadn’t learned these things before …
Traditional programs just told me not to drink. I know they do good for people, but it was too black and white – off or on. The energy in the rooms always felt stagnant.
They never seemed to address why I drank – just that I not do it. And they have a system that shames you for one recurrence or lapse after even years of abstinent recovery.
And honestly, the shame involved with lapses and relapses take their toll on our mental health even more than the drug itself …
But the bottom line is That is not real life. Recovery is a journey. And it’s different for everyone.
I think that the overall approach to recovery is flawed, and I think that is the spirit of this Sangha and what we’re here together to accomplish …
To live better.
What does that mean?
Julia said in a recent patience meditation: That we need patience Anytime that we’re in a place where we want to be somewhere else –
something else,
someone else,
somehow else …
I think this starts with the world we live in … Society programs us that something is missing! And also to compare ourselves with others. Status – Cars, houses, friends, beauty, money, what we eat – everything is sold as something that will fix a need.
But it’s a big. Fat. lie.
I have always realized that my drinking was to either help me FEEL SOMETHING or NOT Feel Something.
But not feel what?
What feeling did I want?
My therapist asked me a question once – Can you think about living a life without feeling altered … I go back to that question a lot – because I think it’s something we encounter a lot without realizing it …
Back to patience … brought to mind my thoughts on my cravings … but not specifically for alcohol, because it was bigger than that. My yearnings – what I needed, what was missing.
My therapist asked me a question once – Can you think about living a life without feeling altered …
As I’ve had more and more opportunities to exist sober in a world
I’d be in these situations where I used to be drinking I was having all these feelings – sort of loneliness. What was I missing? What is this? What do I need? I think it’s a wildly common thing for us – we used to just deaden our senses or escape when we were having the feels …
I remember one specific day … I was thinking about it and realized
A friend. Alcohol was my friend. I tended to isolate > cycle > drinking > isolate. Alcohol immediately connected me to the outside world, made me feel part of the world. Of course, it was only for about 20 minutes as that first few sips hit, and then the reality of my addiction hit – the need to have the next one. The binge. The shame, lost time, lost opportunities. But even just this epiphany of alcohol as a friend helped me identify something that I needed to understand.
And I kept peeling the onion.
Kept asking myself the questions … when I was sad or lonely or scared … What am I feeling? What am I missing?
It’s been over a year of therapy, reading, self-care, mindfulness with the guidance of this Sangha that has helped change my mindset in recovery from “I can’t have something” to “I want something BETTER” – like to RUN TOWARD something better – and actually be excited about it.
I really can’t begin to tell you how this switch in mindset has helped – both with my habit energy and in other areas of my life …
I also don’t think it’s the point to try to STOP having cravings or thoughts of missing – that defeats the point of living authentically, because when we have those feelings they are natural – and maybe they’ll eventually go away and maybe they won’t, – the point is to notice them, sit with them, and grow from them. FEEL it until you HEAL it.
So for this meditation time, I want us to reflect on what we think we’re missing. Avoiding.
Try to reframe our Avoidance, hiding or running away from, flip the switch to running towards.
From obsessing about our Urges, craving, desires – just satiating them impulsively with quick fixes, alcohol, habit energy
To sitting with what I really needed.
When I have those urges – what is it?
Fear, self-doubt, loneliness
One thing we forget … Even though the messages out there tell us we’re supposed to be happy … that is just not real life.
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So with that … let’s begin.
Begin Meditation
Sit in a comfortable but attentive posture, allowing your back to be straight but not rigid or stiff. Upright but not uptight 🙂
Feel your head balanced on your shoulders, allow your face and jaw to relax, with arms and hands resting in a comfortable position.
Be attentive to what’s happening within your own awareness, right here and right now, without judgment.
As you sit, begin to notice the sensations of breath. Pay attention for a moment to how your abdomen moves on each in-breath and out-breath, the movement of air through your nostrils, the slight movement of your chest and shoulders.
Find the spot in your body where the sensation of breathing is most vivid, whether it be your abdomen, your chest or your shoulders, or the movement of air through your nostrils. Try to keep your attention at that spot.
As you breathe in, be aware of the in-breath; as you breathe out, be aware of the out-breath. Simply observe the breath going in and the breath going out.
You may notice your attention shifting away from the breath from time to time. It’s perfectly normal for thoughts to wander into fantasies, memories, worries, or things you need to do. When you notice your mind has wandered, try to meet it with a spirit of friendliness. You don’t need to do anything about it. There is nothing to fix. Rather than forcing it, just try to allow yourself to become curious about what it’s like to be breathing right now, and you’ll find that the attention is naturally drawn back to the physical sensations of breath as it moves through your body.
Setting an Intention (2 minutes)
As you continue to breathe mindfully, set an intention for this meditation. Reflect on the idea that our constant yearning and cravings often lead us to seek external sources of happiness. Today, we will explore this yearning and seek a deeper understanding of our true desires.
Body Scan (5 minutes)
Begin a gentle body scan, starting from the top of your head and moving slowly down to your toes. Feel each part of your body, like a gardener tending to the different areas of a garden. With each breath, imagine releasing any tension or discomfort in those areas, nurturing the garden of your body and allowing it to bloom with relaxation and ease.
Acknowledging Yearning (5 minutes)
Now, bring your awareness to the feelings of yearning and desires that arise within you.
For today, put your specific habit energy on the shelf. For many of us, the need or desire for our habit energy is just to bypass what we’re really feel or need. So go beyond the quick fix.
Feelings of missing out or needing something to complete you.
Fix what’s
Feelings of longing.
If you’re having trouble focusing in on this feeling, think of your daily routine. Driving to work. Going to the grocery store. Going to the mall. Watching a movie. Taking a walk or going for a bike ride. Do you ever feel like you want to buy something to feel better? Do you ever feel like you should be doing something, but not sure what? Do you ever feel like you should grab a coffee out of habit even if you don’t want one?
Stuff like that – things that pop up in our minds to fill a need – it can be as small as a coffee, or larger the desire for a relationship.
Observe these thoughts without judgment. Imagine these feelings as waves on the surface of the ocean. These waves rise and fall, but beneath them lies the vast and tranquil depth of the ocean. Notice how these waves of yearning come and go, ever-changing, while you remain anchored in the calm depths.
The Illusion of External Fulfillment (7 minutes)
Consider the idea that we often seek external sources of happiness, thinking they will fulfill our yearning. Getting that coffee. Buying that sweater. Dating. Eating out at restaurants too often. “Treating yourself” even though you might not be able to afford it.
These external pursuits might be like colorful balloons in a festival, enticing us with their bright colors. However, contemplate the transient nature of these external sources. Just like balloons, they provide temporary satisfaction, but eventually, they deflate and leave us wanting more.
Also reflect on the fact that we are all on a journey, and the destination is not necessarily the point. Think about all the times you’ve heard people say, “I’m not there yet” –
Being attached to a result at the end of the path, or having expectations about what you think your life SHOULD look like, is possibly robbing the joy you can have today and in the moment.
True Source of Fulfillment (3 minutes)
Shift your focus to your inner self. Recognize that lasting fulfillment comes from within, like a wellspring of fresh water. This wellspring of inner peace and contentment is always accessible, regardless of external circumstances. Imagine drawing from this well, nourishing your inner landscape and experiencing a profound sense of completeness.
Buddhist Insight (3 minutes)
Draw inspiration from the wisdom of letting go of attachment and desire as sources of suffering. Visualize these attachments as heavy burdens you carry. By acknowledging your cravings and gently letting go of these burdens, you lighten your load, finding true inner peace.
“Let go of cravings, find inner peace.”
“In stillness, I discover what’s missing.”
“There is beauty in longing, and detaching from the outcome.”
“Yearning for wisdom, seeking the truth.”
“Mindfulness heals the ache of wanting.”
“I release attachment to desires.”
“Embrace the present, let go of the past.”
“It’s OK to not be OK.”
“In the silence, I find completeness.”
“Life is made up of impermanence.”
“Connections and community are key.”
“Yearn for inner growth, not external possessions.”
“Craving clouds the mind, mindfulness clears it.”
“I seek contentment within myself.”
“Desire less, experience more.”
“Yearn for the path, not the destination.”
“Mindfulness is the key to inner harmony.”
“Cravings are illusions, peace is real.”
“I am whole, nothing is missing.”
“Yearning for love, finding it within.”
Closing (2 minutes)
Slowly return your attention to your breath. Take a few deep breaths, and when you’re ready, gently open your eyes. Carry the awareness of what you seek and the potential for inner fulfillment with you as you go about your day, like a lantern that lights your path.
Thank you for meditating with me today. May you find the peace and contentment that arise from exploring your true desires and seeking them within, just as the gardener tends to their garden, the ocean remains calm beneath its waves, and the wellspring provides nourishment from within.
DEDICATION OF MERIT
By dedicating merit, we express our gratitude for the opportunity to practice and share the dharma together as a group. The words also serve as a reminder that we practice not only for ourselves, but for the benefit of all the people in our lives and in the world as well.
Refuge does not arise in a particular place, but in the space within the goodness of our hearts.
When this space is imbued with wisdom, respect, and love, we call it sangha.
We hope that the pain of addiction, trauma, and feeling “apart” actually leads us back toward the heart and that we might understand compassion, wisdom, and change ever more deeply.
As we have learned from practice, great pain does not erase goodness, but in fact informs it.
May we make the best use of our practice, and whatever freedom arises from our efforts here today.
May this be a cause and condition for less suffering and more safety in our world.
And the English Major in me has to come up with a word – because it really resonated with me when I’m sitting with a feeling of loneliness or longing.
Nostalgia: Saudade is often associated with a sense of nostalgia for people, places, experiences, or moments from the past. It can involve missing something or someone intensely, even if that thing or person is no longer a part of one’s life.
Longing: It encompasses a profound yearning or longing for something that is absent or unattainable. This feeling of incompleteness can be bittersweet and may bring both pleasure and pain.
Complex Emotions: Saudade is a complex emotion that combines feelings of sadness, longing, and a certain romanticism. It’s not purely a feeling of sadness but rather a rich, multifaceted emotional state.
Connection to Art and Music: Saudade has a strong presence in Portuguese and Brazilian culture, particularly in music, such as Fado in Portugal and Bossa Nova in Brazil. These musical genres often explore themes of saudade in their lyrics and melodies.
Cultural Significance: In Portuguese-speaking cultures, saudade is considered an essential part of the national identity. It reflects a deep appreciation for the past and a willingness to embrace the complexities of life and loss.
Individual and Collective Experience: Saudade can be a deeply personal emotion, tied to individual memories and experiences. However, it can also be a shared sentiment, connecting people through their common understanding of this complex feeling.
Saudade is a rich and nuanced concept that captures the depth of human emotions, especially those associated with loss, longing, and nostalgia. It’s a reminder that our emotional experiences are not always straightforward and can be deeply influenced by cultural and linguistic contexts.