The Battle

It’s been a tough year. That’s an understatement. Relationship. Finances. Depression. IMMENSE stress. Ugh. Without going into a lot of details, we have been on a rollercoaster. Fighting a battle. Coming closer together. Expectations, disappointments, sometimes two steps forward and one step back, sometimes one step forward, TWO steps back. Exhausting.

A good night’s sleep has been elusive for both of us. I am a light sleeper anyway, waking frequently during the night, thoughts racing. Kevin’s breathing and body manifesting the worries of the day. He does this inconsistent breathing/snoring thing, and he’s been twitching lately. A LOT. Doesn’t mix with my light sleeping very well, and I know the dozen times I roll him over during the night affects his restorative sleep as well. Of course, the trouble sleeping is a symptom of stress, which makes it harder to DEAL with the stress, which makes it harder to sleep … and so it goes.

Last week, Kevin had drifted off and I was reading. Eyes weren’t heavy yet but finally turned off the light about 1:00 a.m. I laid there thinking about stuff. I usually try to focus my thoughts on positive things, like cooking. What type of hummus I should make next, stuff I enjoy doing. That night, I did something different. I tried to recall as many Bible verses as I could.

… Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, and with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends ALL understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. He will keep in perfect peace, all who trust in him, whose thoughts are fixed on him. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Do not sin by letting your anger control you. Do not go to bed angry, for anger gives the devil a mighty stronghold. You will find rest, because my yoke is easy and my burden is light. John 3:16 says that God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son, so that whoever believes in him will never die (to the tune of the song from Kid’s worship). So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand FIRM on your shaky legs. Faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love …

I think there were more. I know I didn’t get them all right. And I think I know which books they are from, but not usually the exact verse. I know that God didn’t care.

And I prayed. You are a mighty God. Thank you for everything I have in my life, my children, all of my blessings, thank you Lord, thank you. Thank you. You have the power in me. I need to trust in you, and…

Twitch.

Ugggh…

Twitch…

Now I won’t be able to sleep for sure. I start to move away from Kevin in bed to lessen the impact of his movements.

Then I had a thought. My husband is in turmoil. Something has got him. Darkness. The bad guy. I rolled over and put my arms around him, intertwined our legs, and hugged him. Held him. Then I prayed. Awkwardly. Oh mighty God, embrace Kevin with your healing arms and fill him with peace. Your Holy Spirit is in me so I have the authority to heal him and fill him with your love. Twitch. Father God, you are the almighty power and we are weak. We cannot do it ourselves, help us trust in you for everything we need. I’m not exactly sure what I said, but I kept going. Twitch. More twitches. Violent leg shakes. That was different. Stronger. Re-energized in my conviction, I prayed for God’s strength and power over Kevin’s struggles, and I rebuked Satan. I commanded him away from my husband. Kevin’s leg shook some more and I visualized the Holy Spirit working through my prayers, loosening Satan’s grasp. GET AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND. I REBUKE YOU IN JESUS’S NAME. YOU WILL NOT WIN. YOU WILL NOT HAVE VICTORY OVER MY FAMILY. Another, more violent leg shake, as if the evil was leaving the building. But it was hanging on, hard. I can’t really remember when the praying ceased and the sleep came, and then I dreamed.

Walking together on the sidewalk. I stopped to look at something and then he was gone. Where did Kevin go? Did he walk away from me? Did I just walk away from him? I went into a shop selling smoked sausages. (I know, dream). Then I was helping Sharon with her computer, but the IT guy did something weird with the network causing my cell phone to be filled up with hundreds of messages that weren’t meant for me. I can’t use my phone. The IT guy keeps taking it from me to fix it. But I need to contact Kevin. He tells me to use the landline. But I can’t dial. I keep hitting the wrong numbers. I dial MY cell phone number. I can’t see the keys very well. Why is it so hard to dial this phone. I need to call Kevin. He doesn’t know where I am and he’ll be worried.

More weird dream stuff ensued. More distance. More disconnection.

Early morning. I wake up a little bit, feeling both of Kevin’s hands on my back. That’s different. Feels like he is laying hands on me to heal me. Fell back to sleep.

Morning. Kevin looks exhausted. “I had the most vivid, real dream I have ever had in my life last night,” he says. I can tell he means it. He has had vivid dreams before, but this one is different. I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He was reluctant, but then said, “You didn’t do anything really bad, but you kept leaving me and acting like you didn’t care.” He continued, “When I woke up, I had to sit on the side of the bed for a while to collect myself. It felt so real. You just didn’t care, and you kept trying to get away from me.” “I was really hurt, but I knew I couldn’t let it control me, so I put my hands on you and asked God to heal you, to help you.”

Laying in his arms, I recounted my story. That when he first twitched, I wanted to move away, but then felt compelled to hold and pray on him. I started to cry as I told him how his leg was twitching and shaking violently, that I felt like I was commanding out the evil in Jesus’s name. I told him I prayed and prayed, for our family, to rebuke Satan, to fight. That we were not giving up. Then I told him about how in my dream I was trying to contact him. That I knew he was worried.

It was strange. We were still both emotional, but we found comfort in the fact that we both fought and won over our natural desires that night/morning. To turn away, to be angry. And, we didn’t just chalk it up to stress or emotions or our current situation as we might have in the past. We know that it is because Satan is pissed off because we are fighting for each other, for our marriage. And he’s bringing it.

If anyone does not believe that we are in this battle every day, they are wrong. Every thought, every decision, every compromise. Everything we do is either for God or against him. And everything around us tempts us against trusting Him. You CANNOT just let things happen and act according to your immediate desires or emotions. What seems trivial is the seed of the devil. The power of the prince of the air. It doesn’t matter if I move away from Kevin so that I can get some sleep. I won’t reach out because he should be the one to apologize. We go to bed angry. The devil gets his foothold.

FIGHT IT.

The Battle

It’s been a tough year. That’s an understatement. Relationship. Finances. Depression. IMMENSE stress. Ugh. Without going into a lot of details, we have been on a rollercoaster. Fighting a battle. Coming closer together. Expectations, disappointments, sometimes two steps forward and one step back, sometimes one step forward, TWO steps back. Exhausting.

A good night’s sleep has been elusive for both of us. I am a light sleeper anyway, waking frequently during the night, thoughts racing. Kevin’s breathing and body manifesting the worries of the day. He does this inconsistent breathing/snoring thing, and he’s been twitching lately. A LOT. Doesn’t mix with my light sleeping very well, and I know the dozen times I roll him over during the night affects his restorative sleep as well. Of course, the trouble sleeping is a symptom of stress, which makes it harder to DEAL with the stress, which makes it harder to sleep … and so it goes.

Last week, Kevin had drifted off and I was reading. Eyes weren’t heavy yet but finally turned off the light about 1:00 a.m. I laid there thinking about stuff. I usually try to focus my thoughts on positive things, like cooking. What type of hummus I should make next, stuff I enjoy doing. That night, I did something different. I tried to recall as many Bible verses as I could.

… Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, and with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends ALL understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. He will keep in perfect peace, all who trust in him, whose thoughts are fixed on him. I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Do not sin by letting your anger control you. Do not go to bed angry, for anger gives the devil a mighty stronghold. You will find rest, because my yoke is easy and my burden is light. John 3:16 says that God so loved the world he gave his only begotten son, so that whoever believes in him will never die (to the tune of the song from Kid’s worship). So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand FIRM on your shaky legs. Faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love …

I think there were more. I know I didn’t get them all right. And I think I know which books they are from, but not usually the exact verse. I know that God didn’t care.

And I prayed. You are a mighty God. Thank you for everything I have in my life, my children, all of my blessings, thank you Lord, thank you. Thank you. You have the power in me. I need to trust in you, and…

Twitch.

Ugggh…

Twitch…

Now I won’t be able to sleep for sure. I start to move away from Kevin in bed to lessen the impact of his movements.

Then I had a thought. My husband is in turmoil. Something has got him. Darkness. The bad guy. I rolled over and put my arms around him, intertwined our legs, and hugged him. Held him. Then I prayed. Awkwardly. Oh mighty God, embrace Kevin with your healing arms and fill him with peace. Your Holy Spirit is in me so I have the authority to heal him and fill him with your love. Twitch. Father God, you are the almighty power and we are weak. We cannot do it ourselves, help us trust in you for everything we need. I’m not exactly sure what I said, but I kept going. Twitch. More twitches. Violent leg shakes. That was different. Stronger. Re-energized in my conviction, I prayed for God’s strength and power over Kevin’s struggles, and I rebuked Satan. I commanded him away from my husband. Kevin’s leg shook some more and I visualized the Holy Spirit working through my prayers, loosening Satan’s grasp. GET AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND. I REBUKE YOU IN JESUS’S NAME. YOU WILL NOT WIN. YOU WILL NOT HAVE VICTORY OVER MY FAMILY. Another, more violent leg shake, as if the evil was leaving the building. But it was hanging on, hard. I can’t really remember when the praying ceased and the sleep came, and then I dreamed.

Walking together on the sidewalk. I stopped to look at something and then he was gone. Where did Kevin go? Did he walk away from me? Did I just walk away from him? I went into a shop selling smoked sausages. (I know, dream). Then I was helping Sharon with her computer, but the IT guy did something weird with the network causing my cell phone to be filled up with hundreds of messages that weren’t meant for me. I can’t use my phone. The IT guy keeps taking it from me to fix it. But I need to contact Kevin. He tells me to use the landline. But I can’t dial. I keep hitting the wrong numbers. I dial MY cell phone number. I can’t see the keys very well. Why is it so hard to dial this phone. I need to call Kevin. He doesn’t know where I am and he’ll be worried.

More weird dream stuff ensued. More distance. More disconnection.

Early morning. I wake up a little bit, feeling both of Kevin’s hands on my back. That’s different. Feels like he is laying hands on me to heal me. Fell back to sleep.

Morning. Kevin looks exhausted. “I had the most vivid, real dream I have ever had in my life last night,” he says. I can tell he means it. He has had vivid dreams before, but this one is different. I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He was reluctant, but then said, “You didn’t do anything really bad, but you kept leaving me and acting like you didn’t care.” He continued, “When I woke up, I had to sit on the side of the bed for a while to collect myself. It felt so real. You just didn’t care, and you kept trying to get away from me.” “I was really hurt, but I knew I couldn’t let it control me, so I put my hands on you and asked God to heal you, to help you.”

Laying in his arms, I recounted my story. That when he first twitched, I wanted to move away, but then felt compelled to hold and pray on him. I started to cry as I told him how his leg was twitching and shaking violently, that I felt like I was commanding out the evil in Jesus’s name. I told him I prayed and prayed, for our family, to rebuke Satan, to fight. That we were not giving up. Then I told him about how in my dream I was trying to contact him. That I knew he was worried.

It was strange. We were still both emotional, but we found comfort in the fact that we both fought and won over our natural desires that night/morning. To turn away, to be angry. And, we didn’t just chalk it up to stress or emotions or our current situation as we might have in the past. We know that it is because Satan is pissed off because we are fighting for each other, for our marriage. And he’s bringing it.

If anyone does not believe that we are in this battle every day, they are wrong. Every thought, every decision, every compromise. Everything we do is either for God or against him. And everything around us tempts us against trusting Him. You CANNOT just let things happen and act according to your immediate desires or emotions. What seems trivial is the seed of the devil. The power of the prince of the air. It doesn’t matter if I move away from Kevin so that I can get some sleep. I won’t reach out because he should be the one to apologize. We go to bed angry. The devil gets his foothold.

FIGHT IT.

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